Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Moms of Boys (an Ode)

Disclaimer: I had a sudden idea for quite the unconventional post the other day. (In my experience, this can sometimes be good but mostly be bad.) I'm going to try it out, anyway, just for fun. It either really works, or really, really doesn't, but I spent an embarrassingly long time on it, so I'm risking the (inevitable?) massive flop and posting it anyway. 

You remember Adam Sandler’s famed Hanukkah song? Well, much like his need to celebrate the Festival of Lights, I sometimes feel there’s just not enough support for the moms of all boys in this world. So I wrote this little song for all of you nice moms of boys out there who think you’re all alone amid a sea of snips and snails and puppy dog tails.

Watch the original first to get the tune in your head (this is a crucial step).

And here we go…

Put on your mom-of-boys hat, and get ready to say, ‘Get off of that!’
Buy guns, swords, and pirate hooks,
Dig in the dirt and cheer him to first--you’re a mom of boys!

Boys may be stinky, and you may not understand anything they do,
but you get to skip tea parties and can say princess who?

When you feel like the only mom wiping pee from toilet seats,
here’s a list of moms of boys, just like you and me:

Jennifer Connelly has listened to her share of arm-farts and dodged her share of darts,
as has Jenna Elfman and teenage witch Melissa Hart!

Guess who else owns 2,000 Matchbox cars and knows the name of every dino?
Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks and Real Housewives’ Dina Manzo.

So, put on your mom-of-boys hat, and get ready to say, ‘Get off of that!’
Legos, and smelly toes, G.I. Joes and cars that go,
Clean up that spill, give him a turn at the grill--you’re a mom of boys!

Cate Blanchett only shops for blue under-roos, just like you,
but still finds time to star in every medieval movie ever made, too!

Who needs pink bows in their life (and those awful Pet Shop toys)
when you can trade horror stories with my friend from Australia
and Momalom’s Sarah--both moms of boys!

So go soak all those grass-stained jeans and lose that frown,
You can bet Posh Spice is also driving little soccer stars around town.

Yeah, put on your mom-of-boys hat, and get ready to say, ‘Get off of 'that!’
Invest in decent home insurance, be ready for any occurrence,
Your kids may attempt natural disaster, but I guarantee you will be faster--
you’re a mom of boys!

Laura Bush and Michele Obama-- not moms of boys! (It’s true.)
Which is how they find time to entertain, and change policy too (quite a coup)!

But we’ve got Britney Spears, so take that, first ladies,
Geena Davis almost counts (twin boys and a girl) but not the Katies.*

Some people think Survivor’s Stephanie is, because she’s so kick-ass and never tires,
Well, she's not, but guess who is? Twilight’s Stephenie Meyer

Which explains why Midnight Sun will never...be...done,
but did she really name a werewolf after her middle son?

My friend Tina’s a mom of boys, so of course we’re like this
so is Heather of the EO and Paul Stanley’s ex-wife from Kiss.

So do your smelly laundry and buy your action toys,
and despite being eaten out of house and home,
Enjoy being a mom of boys!

*Curic and Holmes, respectively (all girls)

(I should add that I have many more blogging and real life friends with all boys--I seem to gravitate to them like a moth to flame--but try as I might, I couldn't fit you all into this ode!)
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