Thursday, February 18, 2010

Top 5 Reasons Dumb Mom Makes an Awesome Online Neighbor

This week, I'm thrilled to have Amanda of Parenting BY Dummies in da house (as they say) for this week's Won't You Be My Neighbor post. What? Someone, somewhere says that. Don't they? But no matter: Amanda is hilariously honest in the timeless it's-funny-because-it's-true tradition, and as you can see, she has three boys...and I have three the universe pretty much dictates that we be BFFs. I just know you'll get a kick out of her blog. Shameless plug: I'll be there Monday, guest posting in her iFriend series!


So, when the homey Amy asked me if I would be her neighbor a while back, I was all, “Yeah, you know I totally would, but with this whole economy thingy, and the house prices dropping, I’m not sure I can. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d love to pack my junk and haul tail out to, wait, where do you live again, somewhere that doesn’t have 40 inches of dirty brown snow piled around it I hope? But, yeah if I could sel my bear of a house without actually owing them cash, I would so be your neighbor, ‘cause you’re awesome and you have three dudes like me and you don’t seem like you would call social services on me when you spied the three of them naked wrestling through our curtainless windows.”

And then I realized it was an online thing and that made it so much easier.

So, here I am, getting all neighborly online with ma girl Amy.

Which is actually probably like way better anyway because, I’m not the best IRL (in real life in case you aren’t up on your internet lingo) neighbor to have. I mean, I don’t have junky cars in my yard or rabid Cujo dogs out there, but still, there are a few issues.

But online? I’m sorta awesome at being neighborly. How about I prove it with a list, because I’m sorta awesome at those too!

Top 5 Reasons Dumb Mom Makes an AWESOME Online Neighbor

1. You can’t hear my kids.  Not their screaming or their cussing arguing or anything.  All you hear is what I tell you, and for whatever reason people tend to not believe that things are just as crazy around here as I describe.  Like I have a good enough imagination to make this crap up.  Yeahright.   So, despite my countless warnings to visitors to not leave their purses on the floor (the toddler might pee in it), to bring ear plugs (I’m convinced The Dudes have signed a contract with some hearing aid developers to make me go deaf), and to park their cars on the street (that way no flying objects will bust out their windows) they all do it anyway.  And then they want me to clean it/fix it/make it stop, all things I categorically refuse to do.  It’s like I tell my dudes when they fall off the couch or down the stairs or outta the bed: your bad for not listening.

2.  The peeing thing.  Potty training is at the moment systematically kicking my a$$.  It smells like I live in a bus station because of all of the urine soaked carpets/couches/clothing/random toys I’ve yet to discover stuffed in the back of the pantry (not sure why he likes to hide all of his unmentionables in there with the food).  And, each and every one of my children has been caught (on numerous occasions to be honest) urinating off the side of my deck.  For my IRL neighbors this is probably a negative thing.  For my online neighbors, it’s just another reason to laugh at me.  And, I’m 100% okay with that by the way.  If it makes you feel better I laugh too.  Sometimes.  Not the ha-ha-that’s-so-funny laugh that you might be used to; the psycho-lost-it-disconcerting laugh that I’m used to.  But, laughing is laughing, right?  RIGHT?!

3.  I like to share.  Awesome stuff.  But, I don’t just give it to you for free like some of these bloggers do.  I like to make you work for it.  By doing crazy stuff like sharing what you looked like when you were a fugly faced high school student.  It’s all for my own personal fun and people seem to like shamelessly laughing at others them.  Plus I share lots of other things too, like my opinions on shopping at Wal-Mart big box super stores and tips for growing your kids up right.  You know, public service type stuff that you really shouldn’t have to live without.  Plus, from time to time (aka every Monday pretty much) I share my blog space by having an ifriend over as a guest, kinda like Amy and her neighbor business.  It’s cool and anyone (except for porn bloggers and Satan bloggers) can do it if you beg and/or bribe me shoot me an email to get on the list.  My real life neighbors don’t get any of this because I’m too busy spying on them through the blinds in my bathroom to go outside and actually drop some knowledge on them. 

4.  Speaking of sharing.  I have a knack for giving advice and I do it on my blog whenever I get a chance.  I write these little thingies called Dumb Mom’s Guide to… and I tell you how to do easy stuff like take pictures of your kids (‘cause I’m sort of an expert on that) or survive a Snowpacalyse (because I’m sort of an unwilling expert on that too).  At first glance you’re probably thinking that you don’t really need me to tell you how to do these things because they are self explanatory or easy or whatever.  But.  I’m here to tell you that you are wrong.  You do need me.  And shame on you for not realizing that.  My IRL neighbors could probably also use a little guidance too, but we already have “that” person on our street.

5.  I’m thoughtful.  Not to mention accommodating, forgiving, and tolerant.  For example, when I had to stop in to Hellmart Wal-Mart a week or so ago before SnowMG hit, I got stuck in the SELF checkout line behind a man dressed as a homeless person who had a crap load of stuff.  Since he was nearly finished when I rolled up behind him I gave a fist pump thought nothing of it and began to unload my reasonable-amount-for-the-self-checkout-line amount of items onto the belt.  He scanned his last item and reached into his pocket, presumably to get his wallet.  Only he wasn’t reaching for his wallet.  He was going for his envelope filled with $32,000 bucks worth of coupons.  What the what?!  You don’t get into the line-for-competent-people-in-a-hurry on the day before a record-breaking blizzard, with a crap load of coupons.  Error!  But, instead of busting him in the face with my coffee creamer, snatching the coupons out of his thousand-year-old hands and ripping them to shreds, and/or offering to pay him for them just to get him on his dumber-than-a-box-of-rocks way I did what I always do: I stared daggers into his back, let my kid scream and undress himself with the hope of driving the imbecile out, and I sweated (‘cause that’s what I do when I’m mad, scared, nervous, excited, sick, tired, or hot).  I did not employ violence, blackmail, or sabotage as I wanted.  But, I came home and posted about him and his ignorant, old self on my blog Amy’s blog.  And for that he can Thank Me Later!*

Hope you come check me out and vote on my current photo contest.  And, incidentally I think that you should also consider following me on Twitter and subscribing to my blog, that way when the next contest (all ready shaping up for May) rolls around you’ll be able to enter that too. You know, because there’s no shame in your game and you’ll do anything to win some awesome prizes!

*Thank Me Later Thursday is a meme I do every Thursday.  I’m begging you hoping you will participate because it’s fun!  All it requires is that you discuss a time when your awesomeness was neglected and you were not thanked/congratulated/praised appropriately (and by appropriately of course I mean at all) for your selfless acts.  For example, not losing it on the chick who made the snide remark about crying babies (while you are holding one) at Cheesecake Factory is to be admired.  And, said woman should be thanking me, or you as the case may be, for not strategically turning in her direction when said baby spit up.  Or, you can just share some advice for us (like I just did) that would demonstrate that you are open to praise and admiration; that you have a desire to be thanked.

If you are also participating in the Won't You Be My Neighbor series by hosting a guest writer, sign the linky below with your guest's blog post! If you wrote a guest post this week, snag the button from the side-bar and paste it onto your blog, so everyone knows where you are writing!

This week marks my last scheduled Won't You Be My Neighbor post. I know, right? It was a fun ride! If you have more scheduled for your blog, by all means, continue to host your neighbors! Otherwise, be ready to hit more up later; I've gotten to know so many great bloggers these past two months that I'm sure the series will be back again later this year!

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